I can breathe out again, the overly-long Stockholm post has finally been written up and posted. It took me much longer than I thought it would…

LOOK OUT, rant ahead.

I’ve been so caught up with everything since I came back, I still have my luggage to unpack and books everywhere. My room is in chaos right now, and I don’t have the energy to deal with it.

I suspect I have a case of the February blues… I usually feel particularly down when it hits this time of the year, the sky is gray, the trees are dead, the sun isn’t out much and the snow is melting into gray muck…and it’s still just cold and disgusting. I’ve been very short with people these few days. I think I need a break from everything that’s going on in school, and by that I mean everything but my studies.

Exams are coming up in two weeks and I have a lot of studying to do. 

It’s as if time is just rushing by, past me and beyond. I can hardly catch up to it and all my thoughts are as organized as a whirlwind blowing into an archive. And all I feel is fatigue. I hardly know what I want anymore. I’m too tired to be social and civil, and yet I’m too lonely to be a social hermit. My sleeping pattern is non-existant, I can’t sleep when I’m supposed to and I can hardly wake up despite 8 hours of sleep.

I probably like a person more than I should though thankfully the person seems to have no clue about it. I also feel that going to the gym doesn’t quite still the itching restlessness in me anymore. I don’t feel satisfied after a good workout these days. I just feel even more tired, and training almost starts to feel like a chore [I can’t even believe I am saying this….] I just go to the gym to get my classes done for that hour of being somewhere else in both mind and body, then I’m done and I take a shower and go home… But I’ve begun to switch around with my training schedule so that I don’t fall into a boring routine that I’ll grow sick of in another week or two, and that seems to have helped a bit. 

Someone in my circle of …’friends’, has let me down. Me and someone else, which is incredibly disappointing. I have always chosen to see the good in people. And when you have someone betray your trust, it’s incredibly disheartening to continue with the same mindset. You go on wondering who will be the next to try and ram into your walls you’ve set up to guard your innermost thoughts and secrets- only to tear them down and turn them against you.

And I know I’m being whiny as few with my petty problems, but they’re my problems and they- among others- have been weighing me down a lot these past few weeks.  

I’m not my jovial self. I can’t get over how grumpy a person I’ve become. Everything is in a bad place right now and I don’t know how it all happened in the first place.

I’m angry.
And I don’t get angry very often, but now that I am I don’t know how to stop…

On a more diplomatic note, I have a lot of things [unrelated to school] going on in the week, and I’m not sure I want to do any of it. 

I think I need my own time to unwind and sink back into who I am.

I miss the old Ashley.

….And I don’t think it’s helping that I’m still reading The Bell Jar. The book is so extremely depressing, and I just can’t wait to finish it and go on to something pink and jolly. I’m definitely through with reading about depressions for a good while, or I’ll sure sink into one myself.

Stupid February blues.